Today is the day I am due to take Mum to Horsfall House. She woke up at 6am and is very anxious. They are taking me to this home. Some strange place and you won’t be there. She seems to have forgotten the reasons she wanted to go. I try to remember. But there will be nurses there who will look after you. I think about the stark room I have seen and mums lovely house. There is no comparison. Should I have done it differently? But I can’t look after her. She is now so demanding of my time. But I could have got care in. Trouble is I am so knackered and emotionally wrung out I can’t think straight, So shall I use this time for respite and rethink and discussion with friends and family? I haven’t had any proper conversations with anybody because mums face contorts when I say anything she doesn’t understand and if I’m out of the room she shouts for me. I can’t even begin to think about the practical side of how to physically pay £5000 per month In advance by direct debit. Haven’t had a chance to ring the solicitor to sort out Power of Attorney. I keep thinking about how I could make the room nicer. I will take Brian Dowling’s painting. It means a lot to me so hopefully it will mean something to Mum even though it is new, so not familiar yet. I will take her V cushion and the little lavender one. I’ll take the new Countryfile calendar she was so pleased with. And some chocolates. And I will buy some flowers. It is a room that faces south so gets the sun but the view is obscured by another wing of the building. I can’t remember what is on the floor. Keep thinking this is the last time she will sleep In her bed, this is the last time I will make her supper, this is the last time I will make the porridge that she loves. Why am I doing this? Because she asked me to. Because she begged me to. Get me out of here, she pleaded. Did she REALLY mean it? Have I got it all dreadfully wrong?

We have a cup of tea and she is making some sense. She knows and accepts she is going today. I don’t want to take my furniture with me. I want to leave all my rubbish behind. I want to leave all my worries behind but I can’t get rid of them. You MUST leave them behind. Otherwise there is no point. Think positive. Think of a new beginning. I just want to go to sleep. OK you have another little sleep …….

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