I am feeling so sad tonight. I have been on the edge of tears all day as it has been such an emotional roller coaster. Mum wants to go into Horsfall House so we went there this morning with my very hurried application form. The very nice manager asked us bluntly whether we would want a place next week if available. I looked forlorn and confused and mum said yes. I asked if we could have a trial and she said one months trial is their policy for everyone. I said I felt negligent because I hadn’t even gone to look around yet. So she said I can go next Monday at 11am. I don’t think mum has given it much further thought except to say they will sort her feet out and at one point this evening in a distressed moment she said ” oh please Jen get me out of here” – out of this house that she has idolised and fretted about so much. She doesn’t seem to be interested in anything to do with it now. She said to the lady at Horsfall House “how nice and peaceful it is here even though it is Xmas Eve”. I am just staggered that this is happening. I can’t believe she actually knows what she wants. It is probably the best thing for her but how come she can recognise that when she is so confused about everything else? I will remember this moment for ever.
Somehow in and amongst the mayhem and tears I made the traditional glazed ham and spiced red cabbage that I always do for Xmas eve. We decided Tom and Molly and children wouldn’t come back to eat. I was frightened of D getting agitated by the disruption and Molly didn’t fancy driving in the dark. They will eat the curry I made for Anna which is still hanging about. So it was a mournful little Xmas eve supper for me and mum. D had a tiny taster and wondered what meal this was. She has been so anxious today trying to remember things that are probably not real so impossible to remember anyway. She had me driving round and round Minchinhampton today looking for something but couldn’t remember what it was but if she saw it she would remember so we couldn’t give up. This something was producing all the power that would sort everything out.